Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Let's be honest

Today's post is going to be more so I can look back on it in a year (or less) and see how far I've come.

I woke up today like most days... not wanting to wake up... not wanting to get out of bed... eyes tired, feel like crying (not real sure why), just wanting to go back to sleep.

I rolled out of bed, stumbled to the dryer to find kids clothes (thank goodness I put them in the dryer so they actually had something clean to wear).  Got them their clothes and got back in bed until it was time to say goodbye. 

Felt guilty because Jason has to get himself ready for work and he helped feed the kids and get them off out the door to walk to school.... but my body just wouldn't let me.

THANK goodness it was nice outside... cause I did NOT want to get up and go take them to school.  Ugh, it's so hard to put on a smile and drive them to school and "act" like I'm happy.

I'm not happy... I haven't been happy in a while.  Not sure why I'm not happy.

Maybe it's the house that I can't seem to get a handle on.

Maybe it's the clothes- that I can't seem to keep clean and folded and put away.

Maybe it's me.  Maybe I'm just not fit to be a mom and wife. 

I'm in a funk and I have been in a funk for a long time.

Yes, I love making shirts, that makes me happy. I love being able to design and watch my design come to life.  I love giving people their shirts and seeing their happy faces. 

But lately, I don't care.  I don't want to do ANYTHING.

I told my husband last night, if I could sleep all day, I would.  If I could just turn on the TV and escape life all day long, I would. 

There have been times when I have done this.

I have stayed "sick" in bed for a few days just so I don't have to deal with life.  I think my body can turn sick just to keep me from waking up to the reality ... that I'm depressed.

There I said it, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. 

I told Jason last night that I don't want to be depressed.  I don't want to feel the way I do.  I don't want to be tired ALL THE TIME.  I don't want to be sad all day long.  I want to get up and take the kids places and be happy.

I don't want to take the kids anywhere.  I don't want to even take them to McDonalds to play in the play area (though I forced myself to take Rylan there the other day and it was good to see his little smiling face).

My children are HARD.  We took them to the grocery store Saturday (and by golly I tried to get out of it because I knew I was going to leave the store angry) ... and I left the store angry.  Angry that my children are like wild un-tamed animals.  They were so excited to just be OUT of the house that they lost control.... running around with the fun little child sized shopping carts.  Almost knocked a lady down, turned the cart on it's side and let everything spill... running in circles!

Was it their fault they acted the way they did?  NO!  It was my fault.  My fault for not teaching them better.  My fault for not wanting to take them into the real world to be tammed.  They are wild.  I love them... I really do... but I just don't think my mind can handle them.

I need to get my life on track.  I want  to be like other mom's I see who enjoy spending time with their kids.  Who enjoy putting them in sports activities and taking them to do fun things.  I can't even stand taking them to walmart... that's just not right.

Rylan said he wanted to go to Disney World.  LOL!  I couldn't imagine taking them to Disney World... I would probably have a mental breakdown.

I don't want to feel this way.

So today, I was in bed... waiting for the day to be over (this morning)... when my friend messaged me that her doctor had an opening.  I wanted to say- nope- today is nap day... maybe another day. 

I had an excuse- Rlyan is home with me.  But crap, grandpa is home and could easily watch him... so I asked and he said he'd keep him so I could go.

So here I go... just after my nap... set my alarm clock for just enough time to take a little nap before getting Rylan ready, myself ready (which really isn't much lately- just throw on clothes that look somewhat clean, my jeans, and my old sperry's that are falling apart, brush my teeth, and throw my hair in a ponytail)...

I got there and my hand was too tired to fill out the dang paperwork, my friend even said I looked tired... why am I here, I just want to go back to bed.

But then it was time to weigh me (ugh) and get my vitals (normal) and time to go in to see the doctor.

I opened the door to see the doctor (therapist) and for some reason my whole body wanted to crumble and just break down.  I held myself together but really just wanted to lay down on her couch and cry and fall asleep. 

We talked for a while and she was so nice and easy to open up to.  I told her about just wanting to sleep and get sleep and not sure if it's chemical or mental...

Well I'm pretty sure I'm having a mental breakdown.  My life has become a mess and it's time to get it back on track.

After talking to her for a long time, she prescribed me 2 new medications, gave me an article to read, and a journal (though blogging is way easier to me that writing).  I feel better about where I'm headed.

I just wanted to write this blog ... to keep it real... to make people aware that you have GOT to take care of you... you have got to take care of your self.  Because if you don't, the people around you will start to suffer.

How can anyone survive living in chaos.  My mind is chaos.  I'm broken but I'm not unfixable.  It's time to get fixed (seriously, I need to get fixed  in more ways than one).... it's time for a mental health professional to help me work through my issues and get my life on track... back on track?  not sure I ever was really on track in the first place... so time to learn how to live life in the TODAY and not living life in the TOMORROW (tomorrow I'll do that, tomorrow I'll go to the doctor, tomorrow will be better).  Nope- today... well I'm not there yet... but I will be, I'm hopeful I will get better and see the sun light.

Thanks for listening and reading and if you struggle with depression, you are not alone....

until next time.

Monday, April 24, 2017

SO SLEEEEPPPYYY

Back again.

I recently got an e-mail from someone who was actually reading my blog (didn't know people actually took the time to read)... and it made me think, I need to get out here and blog more.

Update in a nutshell- I'm off my diet but trying to get back to eating better.  Started cutting out Dr. Pepper and watching my sugar intake.

My husband was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes when he went to see his doctor after suffering with stomach pains for quite some time (he's stubborn and refused to go to the doctor until it was medically necessary for sure)... turns out he has inflammatory colitis (or I think that's what its called) as well as type 2 diabetes. 

I mention that to bring you up to speed on why I'm starting to eat better... because we have to.  So, now we will carb count (the best I know how) and watch what we eat (no more sodas and bad crap around here).

I started menu planning this past week.  Found an app I thought was cool and turned out all the recipes my husband turned his nose to... so he found me an app where I can enter in recipes and make my own menu and shopping list.  Works out great. (the app is anylist and it's 11.99 for the year- so worth it- they also have a free app which we've used for years). 

Monday- eggplant parmesan (shake and bake) with side salad
Tuesday- Lemon butter cod (or whatever fish it was we got from sams the other day, can't remember) with rice (he won't eat much rice but I'll load him up with fish and veggies)
Wednesday- Chicken chili (easy peasy)
Thursday- Italian wedding soup (gonna attempt to make this, he really likes this from an Italian place he eats lunch at... so I'll try but I'm sure it won't be as good)
Friday- Shrimp boil- YUMMY!  I'll load him up on shrimp and a small portion of potatoes and corn

Saturday and Sunday- I figure one of the days above I won't feel like cooking so we might eat oatmeal or something instead or maybe the father-in-law will cook and I won't have to.

So that's that.  I ordered almost everything online from Walmart grocery pick-up... and will go get all of that tonight!!  Makes my life easier for sure.

In other news on me- I have been in a funk lately... not sure what's up with me.  Maybe I'm depressed?  Maybe I'm just not feeling good?  Maybe it's the lack of Dr. Pepper that's causing with-drawls? Not sure but today I can not keep my eyes open (well I could type with my eyes shut... but I do have them currently open while I'm blogging).

I need to start walking or working out or moving in some way... just can't seem to do it... just want to take a nap, which is impossible anyway when ya have 3 kids.

I hope this goes away soon, I hope I can get my butt in gear cause I have work I've got to do.

Speaking of work... not sure I told the blogging world or maybe I did, I work from home now and run my own business.

I just finished my first HUGE shirt order (well huge for me- 684 shirts to be exact).  That was an exciting stepping stone in my world.  I got a new heat press to do the job and man it's wonderful.  If you're wondering, I got Stahl's Hottronix and it's amazing.  My arms aren't as sore and it is like going from an old beat up pinto to the nice new fancy car (whatever car is fancy). 

I did my own taxes this year (sure hope I didn't screw anything up... took me forever because well... I am not an accountant).  I learned that I need to keep up with my records better by the month and invoice everything.  But I managed go through it.  I had no clue how much I had actually brought in this year... was over 35K.  :O  That was my gross sales... my net was not nearly as high... well because I way over spent on things this year and learning how to run a business and what to buy and what not to buy was a learning curve.

But not bad for the first year of a startup business with just word of mouth and some etsy (my etsy is mainly digital sales with a few physical orders).

I am blessed for sure and have amazing friends who keep me going.

Anyway, I'm sure this is a boring post compared to some of my weight loss blogs about running with my boobs flopping (sure that will be subject of posts in the future).

I have no idea what I weigh now, took the scale away a long time ago because I was obsessing... so I will have to find that sometime soon and take another round of before measurements and weight and let the games begin... may the odds be ever in my favor.

Time to go cook and attempt to clean some of this house that's over crowded and too small for this wild family of 5!

Until next time. :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Where the heck did I go?

Well I'm not even sure I remember how to blog out here on this thing.

It's been way too long since I've been out here and so much has happened in my life.

So here's my update in a nutshell:

1.  Had baby number 3... he's 4 now. :O  Will blog about that monkey on a different day.
2.  Stopped working out... stopped teaching... stopped eating right... pretty much let myself go.
3.  Started my own business out of my house and told my husband to just trust me... that eventually it will start taking off and BOY HAS IT!

See being a teacher former teacher has it's perks.  I have such a great network because a crap load of teachers used to teach where I taught and moved on to other schools.  So there is at least 1 teacher at almost every school in the district that I used to work with (yup, I stayed at the same school for 11 years unlike a lot of smarter teachers who moved around)... I should have moved.  I tried to move... but the spark and joy of teaching I once had... was put out by... well... that's about all I can/want to say about that for the moment. Though there are quite a few people I'd like to tell where to shove it, but I won't... they actually did me a favor by pushing me away from teaching and onto a new path in my life where I couldn't be happier (unless it came with a maid and a personal chef).

I am happier doing what I truly love currently.  I LOVE to design on the computer and LOVE making shirts!

I started out making crafts for friends and then other people saw them and wanted them... and then I started charging for my crafts and then started selling slowly on etsy and local and then BAM! that's how it kinda all started.

I got myself a heat press, started making designs, and started selling shirts.  It didn't happen overnight.  For the first year of selling, I'd say I brought in around $1,000 for the year. (if even after cost and fees and such).  This year, I bring in that amount almost every week (not every week is the same granted)... I post a whole lot of pictures online and post in my facebook group.  Probably more than I should.  I had to turn my etsy to vacation mode because I couldn't do both. lol So, I am very blessed at where I am at and where I could be headed.

I get excited to see the reaction on someones face when they get their shirt.

I get to be my own boss (thank goodness because apparently, I don't do well with bosses)  ;)

So my business name is HALLEAHWOOD.  My husband thinks its stupid and some of my other family members think I should change it... but it's what I am not, it's kinda stuck.

Anyway, this is a fitness or health blog about me finding my inner skinny girl.

Well I found her a few years ago and then life happened and stress of jobs and not jobs and children... LIFE HAPPENED.

I haven't gained back all of my weight... I'm really not even sure how much I weigh or what my measurements are. But one thing is  a few things are for sure... my boobs don't fit quite right in my bra, my butt doesn't fit in my underwear... and my fat pants I used to have... are now my tight pants. UGH! and they have holes in the crotch... so I'm down to wearing yoga pants cause I don't want to go shopping for clothes!  I dread shopping for clothes!



I'm not even sure if I want to know... but if I'm going to get back to finding my inner skinny girl ... this fat girl is gonna have to get over it and weigh and measure herself!  So that update will be coming soon!

I recently took on a new product that I may blog about once I get it and really start trying it and see how I like it... so stay tuned for that too.

I have so much more I'd like to say and I'm sure this blog post isn't very entertaining but it's late, I'm tired and I have Bible study group tomorrow (which is another blog for another day as well).

Until we meet again.


Monday, October 7, 2013

Motivated but staying put

Attempting to do this from my phone...

Well blogging friends it's been a month again since my last post!

Busy busy busy with school.

My last post I talked about trying out roller derby well I tried it and loved it! I go every Wednesday night and have gone on a Thursday. It is so much fun. I do get a little scared that I'm gonna hurt myself. I have only fallen one time! I won a sticker for my helmet during a game of last "queen" standing. I probably got that because I was a chicken! But hey, I didn't get knocked out of fall down so I guess that's something. :)

So my weight is : 157.5  I keep going up and down to 160 and 167. Need to keep on working out!!!

Working out? Well for now, roller derby is it! I need to start walking before it gets too cold outside.

Eating good? For the most part. I haven't been tracking my food in a long time. I try to eat good but there are times when I don't and just want to how down. :)

Clothes? I'd say I'm a good size 12 and some of the size large and size 12's are starting to get too big. My jeans I've had since before Conner (expensive Buckle jeans that I just coiling throw out) are too big now. I need to have Jason make another hole in my belt (that I got this summer).

How do I feel? Great! I still forget sometimes how much weight I've lost. It's like my mind is taking longer than my body is to get in sync of how I think about my body. Example: I went shopping the other day and got me a dress to wear and had child with me so I just got it and brought it home to try on... It was a size 12. I was afraid it was going to be too tight and in reality, it was big. Then I was out looking for panty hose for my Halloween costume and I kept digging tryin to find a size L and then looked at the sizes to find that I'm in the medium on the chart! :O

I have at least 1 person still say something to me about my weight every day! Makes me feel good and keeps me going. Thanks friends!

A friend of mine posted a link to the Warrior Dash! I think I'm gonna do it this year! It's not until May 2014, so I will have time to prepare. :) I'm going to try to get my husband to do it with me! I think it would be awesome!

Anyway, I'm tired (what else is new) so that's all I have for now.

I will say that I've done my measurements...

Waist- 35 down 1.5 inches
Hip- 39.5 down .5 inch
Leg- 22 down .75 inches
Arm- 11.7 about the same
Neck- 13 down .5 inch
Wrist- 6
Chest- 38 same

Until we meet again...

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Hello 50's


 Well it's been a little while since my last post (2 weeks).  I weighed 161.5.  I stepped on the scale this morning and was shocked to find 158.5.  :)  That's a 3 pound loss in the past 2 weeks.  Putting my total up to *drum roll please...

60 pounds gone forever!

I haven't been working out... though I have been on my feet a lot teaching kindergarten.

Next week I'm going to try something new... my husband thinks I'm a little crazy and he thinks I'll come home with bruises... and I probably will.... I'm gonna try Roller Derby.  I have a few friends that do it and I have thought about trying it for a while.  My neighbor (Conner's best friends mom) does it.  I saw her all dressed and ready to go yesterday and it kinda made me want to do it.

I can skate... or at least I used to be able to skate.  Last time I tried was when I turned 30 and had an 80's theme roller skating party.  Back when I weighed over 200 pounds.

They have a free 8 week (well it will be 7 weeks for me cause I missed the first week) free boot camp.  Doesn't hurt to try... well it probably will.

Next week my goal for the week is to work out at least 2 times!  I have been so tired after school that all I want to do is just take a nap and I count down the minutes until bed time.  I've gotta get back in the groove of things.

Another happy/sad moment was when I was trying on some clothes (you know, those clothes I got in Branson earlier in the summer) and couldn't wear the pants!  Ugh!  I haven't even taken the tags off yet and they are already too big.  :/  It's a good thing, I know... but it really is frustrating to feel like I wasted money on clothes I can't wear and now I can't afford to go get me smaller clothes.

I'm not sure what size I am.  I wouldn't say I'm a solid medium yet.  I can wear medium t-shirts but I'm more comfortable in a size large.  I'm not sure what size pant I am.  I have some 12's and 14's.  My 14's are too big and some of my 12's are too big.  I guess it depends on the style and brand.

Anyway, I'm gonna go do some laundry (maybe shrink some things) and feed the children.

Until we meet again... (what should my roller derby name be?)

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Stepped on the scale 5 times this morning...

This morning I woke up and stepped on the scale... 161.5.  I stepped on it again... 161.5.  I stepped on it again... 161.5.  I was shocked!  I did this a few more times.  I picked up the scale and moved it and made sure it was working correctly.  YUP!  Down another pound, 2 pounds, 2.5 pounds?  I can't keep up.  Guess I shouldn't weigh myself every day cause I can't remember how many pounds I've actually lost this week.

Could it be that I'm just losing muscle since I haven't been working out like I had been?  Am I really losing fat? 

Looking at myfitness pal that puts me losing 3 pounds this week.  More than I have lost in a week in a long time. 

Could be due to the fact that I'm teaching Kindergarten!  I joked on facebook the other day that my weight loss secret was teaching kindergarten.  :D  Maybe that's the truth.  I knew that once I started back to teaching and was on my feet and walking the hallways every day that I was going to lose some more weight.  Guess that's true.  :)

I've been eating somewhat better but I did have a Wendy's pretzel burger, Mazio's pizza buffet (just one piece of pizza though), vienna sausages, and other things I wouldn't consider diet food throughout the week last week.  I have been taking my lunch and have been having Kashi frozen meals for lunch and a fiber bar brownie for a snack later in the day. 

Who knows.  Maybe my weight will be up tomorrow.  Maybe today was just a fluke. 

I need to take some more weight loss pictures of me too so I can compare. 

It seems like not so long ago I had only lost around 30 pounds and I thought that was huge!  Now I'm almost double that and can't believe it! 

It takes a lot of work and a lot of dedication to lose weight.  It's hard.  I tell everyone that it's 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical.  You have to be in the right mindset to lose the weight. 

I woke up this morning feeling kinda crummy.  I hope I'm not getting sick because I can't afford to take off quite yet.  I'm going to make sure I get back to taking my multivitamins and wash my hands all the time!  I don't want to get sick like I did last year!!!

I guess that's it for now.  I'm off to have me a bowl of cereal or some oatmeal for breakfast and then get busy on cleaning clothes and the house.  I hate cleaning!  But I love a clean house.

Until we meet again... maybe I'll be in the 50's!  :)

Saturday, August 24, 2013

NSV stuff or (Random weight loss happiness)

NSV- non-scale victory stuff: (and I'm not quite sure they will all be that... but here goes... maybe I should call it random weight loss happiness)

1.  Every day... and I mean EVERY day I have someone ask me how I lost the weight or compliment me on how good I'm looking.  Makes me feel good... I'm becoming use to my ever shrinking body that sometimes I forget how BIG I must have been.

2.  I had one of my bosses who was taking shirt orders ask me if I still wanted to order a size large because I didn't look that big. :)  What a great feeling!

3.  I washed and dried and WORE a size MEDIUM t-shirt!  Though I did have my little body suit (I call it my onesie) to help hold the saggy skin in, it fit and by the end of the day it actually felt too big.  So to answer question number 2, I decided to go ahead and order ad medium.

4.  My sister just saw me and told me that I am looking skinny.  She then told me that I can't wear that shirt anymore... I had on and XL shirt to just wear around the house.  :P

5.  My husband told me that it's different cuddling or "spooning" with me.  Hard to explain what exactly he said but something to the effect that... his arm used to be here (holding it higher in the air) but now it's here (holding it around me).

6.  I was crossing my arms the other day and had such a strange feeling... my boobs don't get in the way!  HA! I used to have to kinda lift them up and then cross my arms... if that makes any sense.

7.  I don't even have to flinch at crossing my legs.  No hands needed to help!

I'm happy with how far I've come but I'm not done yet.  I still have about 20 more pounds to lose.

I started back to teaching Kindergarten this past week and it is so exhausting.  However, I'm sure I would be even more tired if I was 55 pounds heavier.

I was able to get down and up and down and up and back and forth and whatever they were doing I was right there with them doing it.

I will say that the beginning of the year in Kindergarten is like herding cats!  It will be so rewarding to see how much they grow and change over the next few months.  :)

So over the past week... or well 6 days since I posted, I've lost another pound or pound and a half.  I weigh 163.  Putting my grand total lost up to 55.5 pounds.   I can't believe that I'll be in the 50's soon!  :O

I haven't worked out in a little while... well I did start back to teaching so I guess I've considered that my workout for the week.  I guess it shows that it's hard work because the scale just keeps on moving!

I plan to start back to doing insanity after school with some teacher friends next week on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays.  Ready to start shedding some more pounds and gaining some more muscle!  :)

Off subject here but I'm so proud of Conner, my first grader!  He had a great week in his ALE (alternative learning environment) class... actually he was in a regular first grade class all week!  I hope it isn't a honeymoon phase and I hope he continues to do well.  Now that he is on his medication, I think it helps him focus better and control his impulsiveness.  He got rewarded on Friday by getting to pick out a game and the store for his DS.  :)

Well I guess that's all I have for now.  Time to get my little needy 3 year old some more milk and Dora.

Until we meet again...









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