Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Having an off day

I really want to lose this weight but I'm having a hard time pushing myself through working out.  I love walking.  I can do that without any problems.  I can push myself to go further and faster.  I love zumba on the wii.  I can do that for 40 minutes just fine. 

I just don't know if that's enough.  I weighed 192.5 this morning.  Haven't lost anything in the past few days.  I'm sure that's fine.  At least I haven't gained anything, right? 

I put on Billy Blanks boot camp and started it just fine.  I told Conner that if I stopped to tell me "keep going mommy, you can do it."  He did once.  Then I just got frustrated and stopped doing it.  I guess I need an energy boost today. 

I feel HUNGRY today.  I just want to EAT EAT EAT.  But I have to stop myself.  I got the kids Ding Dongs yesterday because I just remember having them in the summer as a kid... or maybe it was not just during the summer... either way, I just enjoyed them as a kid.  Boy why the heck did I do that?  Putting temptation in this house?  I can power through it and not eat any.  I can do it!  If I feel like eating them, I'm just going to throw them away.  I'd rather them not be in the house and no one eat them than to be in the house and be a constant thought in my brain.

I am going to go eat a greek yogurt and try to work out again.  Maybe while the kids are down for their nap, instead of taking a nap with them, I'll work out a bit.

I watched Extreme makeover, weight loss edition last night and WOW those big people can lose some weight fast!  200 pounds lost in a year.  AMAZING.  I'm losing only 10 pounds a month.  I just wish I could lose a lot of weight really fast and shock everyone.  But I know I would just gain it back if I did it the wrong way.

I need a personal trainer to come in and help me.  I need someone to push me and keep me going when all I want to do is just give up.  I want to be able to just work out all day long and lose this weight.

They talk about on the show "why are you doing this?  What caused this?"  It always seems to be some underlying emotional thing or trauma that caused these people to gain this weight.  So, what caused me to gain this weight?  I really don't think I have any emotional things that caused me to get fat.  I think I just started enjoying food.  Maybe I eat more when I'm stressed?  Maybe I eat when I'm bored?  Maybe I eat just cause I enjoy food and like eating?  I don't really know.  I wish I could have a breakthrough like the people on the show that gets them moving and losing all that weight.  Maybe I already did? 

When I look in the mirror I don't like what I see.  When I started this journey I had just come fed up with how I looked and how I felt.  I still get fed up but I feel better and happier when I see that scale going down.  I feel so much better when I know the work I'm doing is causing me to lose this weight and get closer to finding that skinny girl inside me.

I need to do this for my children.  I can already tell that losing some of this weight has helped give me some energy.  I want my children to remember me as an active parent, not someone who just sat on the couch watching them play.  I want to get down with the kids and play more.  I want to have enough energy to take them places or chase them around the house without getting tired after 2 minutes. 

I'm sure this will all happen with more and more weight lost.  I've just gotta get my butt up and keep on trekking.  Keep on moving.  Keep on losing this weight and find that skinny happy girl inside me that I haven't seen since my first year of college.

With all that said, it's time for this fat girl to get up and do something around the house.  Maybe I'll clean or maybe I'll play with the kids. 

To be continued...

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