Let's go back to high school. Junior year of high school was a bad year for me. I went through what I think now is depression. There was a time in that year where all I would eat during the day was sunflower seeds, no doze, and a lot of caffeine. I weighed around 100-110 pounds and wore a size 0-2. I don't really think I liked myself. Even being skinny, I never really though I was thin enough. When I looked in the mirror all I saw were things that I needed to change about my body. I had my group of friends but I wasn't really popular. I tried to fit in with the popular crowd but I always felt different inside. I was very self conscious and shy. I'm not sure when everything changed for me but I think it was when I moved away right before my senior year of high school.
I became active in my church's youth group, met Jason and fell in love. I then started gaining weight and felt happy about myself. Jason loved me the way I was and I think I was just in a better place in my head. I felt pretty and sexy and beautiful when I was around him. He brought me back to life in a sense. He was a year older than me so I was dating a college guy! :) He use to bring me breakfast before school every day. We could leave campus for lunch and I would go out to eat with him a lot. I use to always joke that Jason was the one who helped me to love food.
Now I can't seem to get food out of my head. I love cooking and I love eating good foods.
I gained weight my senior year but was still active enough and maintained my weight at around 115-120. It was over the next few years that I gained even more. I was rather active in college that I never really gained the "freshman 15" and stayed my little skinny self.
After college I got married and started my teaching career. I loved cooking and loved making good unhealthy yummy foods for Jason. I wasn't as active and eventually my weight started getting out of control. I got pregnant and then my weight just kept going down hill. I think a lot of it had to do with feeling so tired teaching kindergarten and coming home to my own children that all I would do was put them to sleep and put myself to sleep!
So let's go back to the way my mind works. I looked up the wiki on "food addiction" and found compulsive overeating. I don't really think I binge eat but there are times when I am dieting that I have thrown in the towel and had a whole bag of chips, ice cream, pizza, etc. Here is what wiki says about compulsive overeating:
Compulsive overeating, also sometimes called food addiction, is characterized by an obsessive/compulsive relationship to food. Professionals address this with either a behavior-modification model or a food-addiction model. An individual suffering from compulsive overeating disorder engages in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression. Unlike individuals with bulimia, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their binging with purging behaviors such as fasting, laxative use or vomiting. Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry. Their obsession is demonstrated in that they spend excessive amounts of time and thought devoted to food, and secretly plan or fantasize about eating alone. Compulsive overeating usually leads to weight gain and obesity, but not everyone who is obese is also a compulsive overeater. While compulsive overeaters tend to be overweight or obese, persons of normal or average weight can also be affected.
In addition to binge eating, compulsive overeaters can also engage in grazing behavior, during which they return to pick at food throughout the day. These things result in a large overall number of calories consumed even if the quantities eaten at any one time may be small. When a compulsive eater overeats primarily through binging, he or she can be said to have binge eating disorder.
And here are the signs and symptoms:
- Binge eating, or eating uncontrollably even when not physically hungry (YES)
- Eating much more rapidly than normal (YES)
- Eating alone due to shame and embarrassment (YES, in my room, I've run to the room with food before, I've hidden food)
- Feelings of guilt due to overeating (YES)
- Preoccupation with body weight (ALWAYS)
- Depression or mood swings (YES)
- Awareness that eating patterns are abnormal (Now I do)
- Rapid weight gain or sudden onset of obesity (not really but a little)
- Significantly decreased mobility due to weight gain (not really)
- History of weight fluctuations (a little)
- Withdrawal from activities because of embarrassment about weight (YES)
- History of many different unsuccessful diets (YES- until I realized I needed a lifestyle change)
- Eating little in public, but maintaining a high body weight (Sometimes)
- Very low self esteem and feeling need to eat greater and greater amounts. (YES)
Right after I give in and eat the junk I feel very guilty and depressed about what I just did. I can't force myself to throw up so I just deal with the guilt. Some times when I deal with the guilt, I go eat more. But most of the time I just think about it, beat myself up for it, ask myself why, and move on.
I feel like there is this constant battle going on inside me with my fat girl and skinny girl and a lot of the times the fat girl wins.
HOWEVER, this blogging world has really helped me open up myself and really dig deep to the issues I have. I feel that having a support system and knowing there are people out here reading what I write and feeling the same way and working towards the same goals has really helped me keep it up. The skinny girl has been winning these mind battles more often lately. She's still quite weak and at times the fat girl and skinny girl have a compromise about whatever it is I'm wanting to eat.
I don't like the way I look. I don't like how fat my face is, how I've got stretch marks and squishy belly, cellulite on my butt and legs, saggy boobs (thanks kids), and huge forehead (can't help that part), big arms, but I have to keep telling myself that I'm a work in progress and I will be skinny again, I will have muscles, I will wear smaller clothes and get to go shopping in normal stores! I WILL and I CAN do it!
Tomorrow is my official 2 week weigh in and measurements and pictures. I don't think we will see much difference. I feel like I've done ok but I feel like I could have done better.
I went walking tonight and made it an hour. 3.5 miles.
Thanks for reading the personal inside scoop into my brain and the way it functions. Now get off your butt and go lose some weight!
Until we chat again...