Saturday, July 14, 2012

Where has the inner skinny girl gone?

My inner skinny girl is burried deep inside me and every now and then she talks to me... but lately it's hard to hear her. 

I'll admit it.  Yes I had a baby 3 months ago but I gained over 50 pound with this pregnancy.  Pre-pregnancy weight was 184 I think (maybe less).  I ended this pregnancy at 230 I think (maybe a little more or less).

Rylan is now 3 months old and I've only lost about 10-12 pounds.  That's basically the weight of the baby and all the other stuff.

I eat like a crazy woman!  I eat a meal and then turn around and eat a snack.  I'm hungry all the time. ALL THE TIME! 

I am breastfeeding and know I need extra calories but not as much as I'm taking in!

Right now as I type about food it makes me want to get up and eat something.

Something has to change.  I keep telling myself that when Rylan is done breastfeeding then I'll start working out and losing weight.  That's silly, that's almost a year away. 

So I have got to dig deep into myself and find that skinny girl who is unable to really speak to me because she is surrounded by fat. 

I'm back to my size 18.  I was almost down to a 12.  I'm back to stretching out my size XL to make it work.  I HATE MY BODY right now. 

And to make matters worse, I wish I was enjoying my children but right now I can't stand to be around the older 2.  They are loud, they behave terrible, and make me want to scream (and I do at times).  I'm trying to sit here and type and all my oldest child wants to do is make annoying sounds, ask me a question over and over and over and get right up in my face.  Why must MY children be so annoying?  I'm ready to go back to work (not ready to leave Rylan yet though).

The house is a mess and I can't seem to declutter the crap.  I had a garage sale a couple of weekends ago and I thought I was getting rid of a lot... but there is still crap all over the house!

I need a big life change.  I need to clean the house, train my children, and lose weight.  I need my life to be in order.  I'm tired of all the chaos and crap!  But in order to do that, I need to find the strength within me to get my butt up and work on changing my life. I'm not sure I have the strength right now.  I just feel like taking a nap and forgetting the fact that I'm fat, the house is a mess, and my children are hard to be around.

I shouldn't feel this way.  I should want to be around my children, want to feel better about myself and enjoy living in my house!  DARN IT! 

And on that note, Rylan is wanting to nurse and the kids have finished their oatmeal and are screaming for more!

Ugh!




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