Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Finding my inner CRAZY girl

I like to sleep.

I don't like to sleep.

I find comfort in my happy place... my bed...

no... really, I escape the craziness of life by going to sleep in my bed.

In my bed I don't have to see the world outside.

In my bed, I can ignore and escape from the house I live in.

The house I live in is not a home... the house I live in has a roof, has beds, has walls, has running water, etc... it has what we need to survive for the most part.  Doesn't always have clean sheets, clean floors, tidy bookshelves, magazine looking rooms.... it drives my husband crazy... which drives me crazy... which overwhelms me... and makes me want to sleep... to escape.

I don't want it to be this way but I never know where to start.  I always say- I'll get to that tomorrow... but tomorrow never comes.  :/  I don't want to be this way.  I have just been this way for so long that it is so hard and exhausting trying to do it another way.

I HATE cleaning.  And I don't think it's the actual act of cleaning I hate... its getting started that I hate... cause I have no clue where to even start.  If I do one thing, something else has to be done before that and so forth and so on... such a terrible cycle.

My sister keeps her house clean and it drives me crazy because it seems to come natural and effortless to her.  Maybe it isn't effortless but it sure feels that way.  I've been at her house, she's great at multi-tasking.  She can cook and clean and get onto children all at the same time and still keep her cool and get stuff done.

Me, I'm a mess.  If I'm cleaning, that's all I can do.  If I'm cooking, that's all I can do.  Apparently I can't figure out how to cook and clean at the same time.

I was over at my sisters house and she was cooking dinner and then cleaned the bathroom and did laundry... and then came back to cooking.  Seemed so natural and didn't take a long time.

ugh.  just thinking about it makes me want to turn on the TV and lay in my happy place and ignore life because apparently, I suck at being a "housewife."

Yesterday I didn't get out of bed much.  Rylan was home but he was so content watching star wars and playing legos... only needed me to pause it a few times so he cold go pee.  lol  He played great yesterday.  So, I didn't plan to stay in bed all day... I knew there were things I NEEDED to do... things that needed to be cleaned... shirts that needed to be ordered... I just couldn't bring myself to get up.

Today, I feel the same way.  I don't want to get up, not sure where to even start.  Maybe work on the clothes...

maybe I need to be better at making lists because once I wake up, I forget everything that needed to be done until I remember everything that needed to be done at the end of the day. 

So, lists it is... tomorrow I'll start making lists.  LOL NO!  Today I'll make some list and maybe organize my dang life.

Monday- too late, monday's gone
Tuesday- that's today, thought today was wednesday- bleh- laundry, trash day, .... nap...
Wednesday- can't think that far ahead... must stop and watch some netflix and try to remember what to do later.

That's just terrible.  I'm so dang LAZY... or depressed... or just tired of dealing with everything.  Maybe that's it.  I'm just plumb tuckered out and don't want to deal anymore.

Rylan is still asleep... I should enjoy this time to myself and get something done... or take a nap until he wakes up.

Maybe I'll get out of this funk eventually... there is hope.  but right now all I feel like doing is going back to bed for a while.

:/  and I KNOW for a fact it isn't medical... it's psychological.. I'm just crazy. 

maybe my blog should not be finding my inner skinny girl but yet- Finding my inner crazy girl.  Ready to find her and smash her and stop being so dang depressed and lazy and crazy.  Time to get back or learn how to be a normal (whatever that is) person who wants to wake up and live life to the fullest.  Sounds great.... just makes me sleepy.

Today I will clean one room.  Today I will do one load of laundry.  Today I will take out the trash.  Today I will write a list of more things to do tomorrow.  I will menu plan and order groceries or go pick up at least what we need for dinner tonight. 

Today I will not let this inner crazy girl ruin my day and cause me to sleep the entire day away.

Until we meet again...

Monday, May 15, 2017

Vacation with the kids

My parents have a time share in Branson, MO and in recent years my sister and I would take turns taking our kids and hanging out with my parents...

The past couple of years my parents have decided to just let my sister and I share the week and take our own family. (don't blame them for not wanting to sleep in the same hotel for 7 days with various crazy children in and out).  LOL

So last year, I took the kids for a day and then Jason drove up and met us.  One day, by myself, with 3 kids... I handled it.

This year was a different story.  He had taken way too much off from work and just couldn't take anymore days off... plus his dad had some medical things during the week... so that left me... to take 3 kids (5, 7, and 9) to Branson BY MYSELF for 4 days.

I planned ahead, bought games (pie face game and star wars clue), got coloring books and snacks. 

I decided that it was just crazy to wash clothes before we left because there is a washer/dryer in the hotel... so I sorted through clothes and stuffed them into suitcases... packed everything else we might need...

I went to my therapist apt and talked with her for my aloud hour before heading out to finish packing and get my medicine, get the kids, and hit the road.

The trip there went great, kids were excited and I don't remember anyone screaming... so that was a success.

When we got there, we stopped at Fudruckers to eat before checking into the resort.  The kids were GREAT!  I felt like I could handle this... that this was going to be a BLAST and what angel children I had, sitting at the table, smiling, eating their food...

If anyone deserved a little "5 dollars off for well-behaved children" it would have been me... but they didn't do that.

Bellies were fed, time to go check in.  Got to the resort and I let the wild animals escape while I checked in.  They were OVERLY excited and ran around like wild caged animals.  The guy checking me in told me about this place for monkeys (not really... but it has a climbing wall and ropes... sounds like the perfect place for my monkeys) too expensive though...

anyway, we checked in to the hotel and managed to get everything up to the room.

The rest is kinda a blur... we had our ups and downs... the kids would be good for a few minutes and then they would fuss and fight. 

We went swimming, got groceries, cooked, played games, went shopping, etc.

I gave the children $5 a day to spend while we were out.  Lauren bought goggles (and she looks so cute wearing them), Rylan got a big bouncy ball, and Conner got a notebook... that he ended up letting Lauren have anyway.

That night, I told the kids that the first child to go to sleep would get an extra $5 for the next day.  That worked great, didn't have to get onto anyone when it was time to go to bed. (Conner won, he is usually first to fall asleep anyway)

On Thursday night... I was quite tired of being around children and needed just a few minutes by myself.  I told the kids that if they came outside to bother me (on the balcony) that they would get their $5 taken away)... so I enjoyed my quiet time... till Lauren came knocking on the door... she had lost a tooth.  So now she has a top tooth and bottom tooth out and she looks so cute. 

I took the kids to the outlet mall to spend their money- Rylan got a lego set, Conner got new sunglasses, a basketball and gum, and Lauren got a doll from the Disney store. 


Anyway, I have so much more to say about our trip but alas, the kids won't leave me alone long enough to type a complete thought.

One of the best parts of the trip was playing the pie in the face game.  My therapist asked me when I saw her before I left... "when was the last time you laughed"... GREAT question...  it had been YEARS since I had a good laugh...  so my goal for this trip was to have the kids laugh... to laugh with the kids... and that game helped everyone laugh.  It was great to just look at the kids and see that spark in their eye and their smile and their laugh.

I don't laugh as often as I should.  I don't relax and just enjoy life as much as I should.

A lot of times, life goes on and on day by day and gets quite boring and routine.  It was nice to just take a little time off and enjoy the kids and laugh. 

Our family is in a little negative rut it seems.  Kids are grumpy, I'm grumpy, nothing but an angry fussing mess.

Once you get in a habit of being so dang grumpy all the time, it's hard to get out of it.  But by golly I want to try. 

One thing I want my kids to look back on when they are older and remember- are all the times we laughed together.... not all the times we were angry or grumpy.  I don't want them to look back and see a bunch of unhappy times.


Would I do it again?  Would I take 3 kids off on a vacation alone again?  Probably... maybe... possibly... we survived... we all made it home alive...

Do they drive me absolutely insane most of the time, yes.... but I just have to remind myself that they won't be little forever and to enjoy the time we have together... try to smile and laugh...


Until next time... off to feed the monkeys and get them clean and in bed.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Mango Slush

When I went to see the new doctor/therapist the other day, she gave me something to read.  I finished reading that today...

A few powerful messages from the reading that stood out to me...

1. "Act as if" and "commitment"- act as if you count by giving 100% commitment to what you are doing...

That hit me- do I give my kids 100% of my attention when I am with them?  no
Do I give my husband 100% commitment and attention when I am with him? no
Do I act as if I count when I am doing what I'm doing at that moment?  no

There are times when I am with my family but am I really WITH them?  Or am I sitting there wishing I was somewhere else, thinking about all the things I need to do... thinking about the shirts I need to make, thinking about the cleaning I need to do... NO!  I am not giving them 100%.  I am constantly trying to juggle everything that I end up doing EVERYTHING halfway, halfway commited.

Does that ever get anything done?  NO!

I might not be able to explain this next concept but I'll try...

The article also talked about dividing things that are important in your life into a 3X3 grid with 9 boxes.  Sometimes we have just a 1X1 grid with one thing taking over our whole life and when that one thing is gone, we are left with an empty feeling.  So instead, make is a 3X3 grid so that if one thing goes away (i.e. job, relationship) then you aren't left feeling completely empty and can continue to function.

I do this.  I put so much focus on ONE thing, I put my whole heart into it that when it fails or goes away... I'm left feeling empty. Not that there aren't other areas in my life that can take over... just that I'm completely overwhelmed and empty when that 1 thing completely devastates me and makes me feel empty.

So, my new grid... trying to think of all 9 things I want in my grid... so that if one thing fails, I can continue to function and put my focus on the other 8 things (an eventually replace the empty hole with something else).... but my life won't completely crumble...

Kids
Husband
Church (we will talk more about this in another blog)
Halleahwood
My House
Myself
Family
Friends
?
?

I'm struggling with what I should put in all of my boxes... and that's ok.  I'll think more on it and see how I should do that.

But with those things mentioned above- when I am with my kids I will try to give them 100% of my commitment... acting as if I count in their lives... acting as if they are the most important to me at that moment.

When I am with my husband- I will give him 100% of my commitment, acting as if I matter to him... acting as if I am the most important person to him.

When I am working (Halleahwood), I will give 100% of my commitment, acting as if I count... acting as if it is the most important job I've ever had...

(you also then make goals for each box... I'll expand at another time)

etc.

And at the end of the reading, one sentence stood out to me and is going to be my mantra this year...

IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT!


I picked the kids up from school today, I listened to my oldest talk about how he was upset that he did not get a slush today after getting 100% on a program they do on the computer (granted, this could be something he didn't get 100% on... or maybe he didn't get it before she printed out the list of kids who got 100%)... and I listened to my daughter talk about her great day and playing games... etc...

So I took my kids to sonic and let them get a slush.  My oldest wanted to get his friend one, so I let him do that.  It ended up costing me $2.46 for 4 small slushes... and I know I didn't have to do that... but I wanted them to know that I want to celebrate their happy moments and be there for their sad times... I wanted to show them that I listen and they are special to me...

And I really wanted a MANGO SLUSH...

Until next time...



Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Let's be honest

Today's post is going to be more so I can look back on it in a year (or less) and see how far I've come.

I woke up today like most days... not wanting to wake up... not wanting to get out of bed... eyes tired, feel like crying (not real sure why), just wanting to go back to sleep.

I rolled out of bed, stumbled to the dryer to find kids clothes (thank goodness I put them in the dryer so they actually had something clean to wear).  Got them their clothes and got back in bed until it was time to say goodbye. 

Felt guilty because Jason has to get himself ready for work and he helped feed the kids and get them off out the door to walk to school.... but my body just wouldn't let me.

THANK goodness it was nice outside... cause I did NOT want to get up and go take them to school.  Ugh, it's so hard to put on a smile and drive them to school and "act" like I'm happy.

I'm not happy... I haven't been happy in a while.  Not sure why I'm not happy.

Maybe it's the house that I can't seem to get a handle on.

Maybe it's the clothes- that I can't seem to keep clean and folded and put away.

Maybe it's me.  Maybe I'm just not fit to be a mom and wife. 

I'm in a funk and I have been in a funk for a long time.

Yes, I love making shirts, that makes me happy. I love being able to design and watch my design come to life.  I love giving people their shirts and seeing their happy faces. 

But lately, I don't care.  I don't want to do ANYTHING.

I told my husband last night, if I could sleep all day, I would.  If I could just turn on the TV and escape life all day long, I would. 

There have been times when I have done this.

I have stayed "sick" in bed for a few days just so I don't have to deal with life.  I think my body can turn sick just to keep me from waking up to the reality ... that I'm depressed.

There I said it, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. 

I told Jason last night that I don't want to be depressed.  I don't want to feel the way I do.  I don't want to be tired ALL THE TIME.  I don't want to be sad all day long.  I want to get up and take the kids places and be happy.

I don't want to take the kids anywhere.  I don't want to even take them to McDonalds to play in the play area (though I forced myself to take Rylan there the other day and it was good to see his little smiling face).

My children are HARD.  We took them to the grocery store Saturday (and by golly I tried to get out of it because I knew I was going to leave the store angry) ... and I left the store angry.  Angry that my children are like wild un-tamed animals.  They were so excited to just be OUT of the house that they lost control.... running around with the fun little child sized shopping carts.  Almost knocked a lady down, turned the cart on it's side and let everything spill... running in circles!

Was it their fault they acted the way they did?  NO!  It was my fault.  My fault for not teaching them better.  My fault for not wanting to take them into the real world to be tammed.  They are wild.  I love them... I really do... but I just don't think my mind can handle them.

I need to get my life on track.  I want  to be like other mom's I see who enjoy spending time with their kids.  Who enjoy putting them in sports activities and taking them to do fun things.  I can't even stand taking them to walmart... that's just not right.

Rylan said he wanted to go to Disney World.  LOL!  I couldn't imagine taking them to Disney World... I would probably have a mental breakdown.

I don't want to feel this way.

So today, I was in bed... waiting for the day to be over (this morning)... when my friend messaged me that her doctor had an opening.  I wanted to say- nope- today is nap day... maybe another day. 

I had an excuse- Rlyan is home with me.  But crap, grandpa is home and could easily watch him... so I asked and he said he'd keep him so I could go.

So here I go... just after my nap... set my alarm clock for just enough time to take a little nap before getting Rylan ready, myself ready (which really isn't much lately- just throw on clothes that look somewhat clean, my jeans, and my old sperry's that are falling apart, brush my teeth, and throw my hair in a ponytail)...

I got there and my hand was too tired to fill out the dang paperwork, my friend even said I looked tired... why am I here, I just want to go back to bed.

But then it was time to weigh me (ugh) and get my vitals (normal) and time to go in to see the doctor.

I opened the door to see the doctor (therapist) and for some reason my whole body wanted to crumble and just break down.  I held myself together but really just wanted to lay down on her couch and cry and fall asleep. 

We talked for a while and she was so nice and easy to open up to.  I told her about just wanting to sleep and get sleep and not sure if it's chemical or mental...

Well I'm pretty sure I'm having a mental breakdown.  My life has become a mess and it's time to get it back on track.

After talking to her for a long time, she prescribed me 2 new medications, gave me an article to read, and a journal (though blogging is way easier to me that writing).  I feel better about where I'm headed.

I just wanted to write this blog ... to keep it real... to make people aware that you have GOT to take care of you... you have got to take care of your self.  Because if you don't, the people around you will start to suffer.

How can anyone survive living in chaos.  My mind is chaos.  I'm broken but I'm not unfixable.  It's time to get fixed (seriously, I need to get fixed  in more ways than one).... it's time for a mental health professional to help me work through my issues and get my life on track... back on track?  not sure I ever was really on track in the first place... so time to learn how to live life in the TODAY and not living life in the TOMORROW (tomorrow I'll do that, tomorrow I'll go to the doctor, tomorrow will be better).  Nope- today... well I'm not there yet... but I will be, I'm hopeful I will get better and see the sun light.

Thanks for listening and reading and if you struggle with depression, you are not alone....

until next time.

Monday, April 24, 2017

SO SLEEEEPPPYYY

Back again.

I recently got an e-mail from someone who was actually reading my blog (didn't know people actually took the time to read)... and it made me think, I need to get out here and blog more.

Update in a nutshell- I'm off my diet but trying to get back to eating better.  Started cutting out Dr. Pepper and watching my sugar intake.

My husband was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes when he went to see his doctor after suffering with stomach pains for quite some time (he's stubborn and refused to go to the doctor until it was medically necessary for sure)... turns out he has inflammatory colitis (or I think that's what its called) as well as type 2 diabetes. 

I mention that to bring you up to speed on why I'm starting to eat better... because we have to.  So, now we will carb count (the best I know how) and watch what we eat (no more sodas and bad crap around here).

I started menu planning this past week.  Found an app I thought was cool and turned out all the recipes my husband turned his nose to... so he found me an app where I can enter in recipes and make my own menu and shopping list.  Works out great. (the app is anylist and it's 11.99 for the year- so worth it- they also have a free app which we've used for years). 

Monday- eggplant parmesan (shake and bake) with side salad
Tuesday- Lemon butter cod (or whatever fish it was we got from sams the other day, can't remember) with rice (he won't eat much rice but I'll load him up with fish and veggies)
Wednesday- Chicken chili (easy peasy)
Thursday- Italian wedding soup (gonna attempt to make this, he really likes this from an Italian place he eats lunch at... so I'll try but I'm sure it won't be as good)
Friday- Shrimp boil- YUMMY!  I'll load him up on shrimp and a small portion of potatoes and corn

Saturday and Sunday- I figure one of the days above I won't feel like cooking so we might eat oatmeal or something instead or maybe the father-in-law will cook and I won't have to.

So that's that.  I ordered almost everything online from Walmart grocery pick-up... and will go get all of that tonight!!  Makes my life easier for sure.

In other news on me- I have been in a funk lately... not sure what's up with me.  Maybe I'm depressed?  Maybe I'm just not feeling good?  Maybe it's the lack of Dr. Pepper that's causing with-drawls? Not sure but today I can not keep my eyes open (well I could type with my eyes shut... but I do have them currently open while I'm blogging).

I need to start walking or working out or moving in some way... just can't seem to do it... just want to take a nap, which is impossible anyway when ya have 3 kids.

I hope this goes away soon, I hope I can get my butt in gear cause I have work I've got to do.

Speaking of work... not sure I told the blogging world or maybe I did, I work from home now and run my own business.

I just finished my first HUGE shirt order (well huge for me- 684 shirts to be exact).  That was an exciting stepping stone in my world.  I got a new heat press to do the job and man it's wonderful.  If you're wondering, I got Stahl's Hottronix and it's amazing.  My arms aren't as sore and it is like going from an old beat up pinto to the nice new fancy car (whatever car is fancy). 

I did my own taxes this year (sure hope I didn't screw anything up... took me forever because well... I am not an accountant).  I learned that I need to keep up with my records better by the month and invoice everything.  But I managed go through it.  I had no clue how much I had actually brought in this year... was over 35K.  :O  That was my gross sales... my net was not nearly as high... well because I way over spent on things this year and learning how to run a business and what to buy and what not to buy was a learning curve.

But not bad for the first year of a startup business with just word of mouth and some etsy (my etsy is mainly digital sales with a few physical orders).

I am blessed for sure and have amazing friends who keep me going.

Anyway, I'm sure this is a boring post compared to some of my weight loss blogs about running with my boobs flopping (sure that will be subject of posts in the future).

I have no idea what I weigh now, took the scale away a long time ago because I was obsessing... so I will have to find that sometime soon and take another round of before measurements and weight and let the games begin... may the odds be ever in my favor.

Time to go cook and attempt to clean some of this house that's over crowded and too small for this wild family of 5!

Until next time. :)

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