Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Let's be honest

Today's post is going to be more so I can look back on it in a year (or less) and see how far I've come.

I woke up today like most days... not wanting to wake up... not wanting to get out of bed... eyes tired, feel like crying (not real sure why), just wanting to go back to sleep.

I rolled out of bed, stumbled to the dryer to find kids clothes (thank goodness I put them in the dryer so they actually had something clean to wear).  Got them their clothes and got back in bed until it was time to say goodbye. 

Felt guilty because Jason has to get himself ready for work and he helped feed the kids and get them off out the door to walk to school.... but my body just wouldn't let me.

THANK goodness it was nice outside... cause I did NOT want to get up and go take them to school.  Ugh, it's so hard to put on a smile and drive them to school and "act" like I'm happy.

I'm not happy... I haven't been happy in a while.  Not sure why I'm not happy.

Maybe it's the house that I can't seem to get a handle on.

Maybe it's the clothes- that I can't seem to keep clean and folded and put away.

Maybe it's me.  Maybe I'm just not fit to be a mom and wife. 

I'm in a funk and I have been in a funk for a long time.

Yes, I love making shirts, that makes me happy. I love being able to design and watch my design come to life.  I love giving people their shirts and seeing their happy faces. 

But lately, I don't care.  I don't want to do ANYTHING.

I told my husband last night, if I could sleep all day, I would.  If I could just turn on the TV and escape life all day long, I would. 

There have been times when I have done this.

I have stayed "sick" in bed for a few days just so I don't have to deal with life.  I think my body can turn sick just to keep me from waking up to the reality ... that I'm depressed.

There I said it, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. 

I told Jason last night that I don't want to be depressed.  I don't want to feel the way I do.  I don't want to be tired ALL THE TIME.  I don't want to be sad all day long.  I want to get up and take the kids places and be happy.

I don't want to take the kids anywhere.  I don't want to even take them to McDonalds to play in the play area (though I forced myself to take Rylan there the other day and it was good to see his little smiling face).

My children are HARD.  We took them to the grocery store Saturday (and by golly I tried to get out of it because I knew I was going to leave the store angry) ... and I left the store angry.  Angry that my children are like wild un-tamed animals.  They were so excited to just be OUT of the house that they lost control.... running around with the fun little child sized shopping carts.  Almost knocked a lady down, turned the cart on it's side and let everything spill... running in circles!

Was it their fault they acted the way they did?  NO!  It was my fault.  My fault for not teaching them better.  My fault for not wanting to take them into the real world to be tammed.  They are wild.  I love them... I really do... but I just don't think my mind can handle them.

I need to get my life on track.  I want  to be like other mom's I see who enjoy spending time with their kids.  Who enjoy putting them in sports activities and taking them to do fun things.  I can't even stand taking them to walmart... that's just not right.

Rylan said he wanted to go to Disney World.  LOL!  I couldn't imagine taking them to Disney World... I would probably have a mental breakdown.

I don't want to feel this way.

So today, I was in bed... waiting for the day to be over (this morning)... when my friend messaged me that her doctor had an opening.  I wanted to say- nope- today is nap day... maybe another day. 

I had an excuse- Rlyan is home with me.  But crap, grandpa is home and could easily watch him... so I asked and he said he'd keep him so I could go.

So here I go... just after my nap... set my alarm clock for just enough time to take a little nap before getting Rylan ready, myself ready (which really isn't much lately- just throw on clothes that look somewhat clean, my jeans, and my old sperry's that are falling apart, brush my teeth, and throw my hair in a ponytail)...

I got there and my hand was too tired to fill out the dang paperwork, my friend even said I looked tired... why am I here, I just want to go back to bed.

But then it was time to weigh me (ugh) and get my vitals (normal) and time to go in to see the doctor.

I opened the door to see the doctor (therapist) and for some reason my whole body wanted to crumble and just break down.  I held myself together but really just wanted to lay down on her couch and cry and fall asleep. 

We talked for a while and she was so nice and easy to open up to.  I told her about just wanting to sleep and get sleep and not sure if it's chemical or mental...

Well I'm pretty sure I'm having a mental breakdown.  My life has become a mess and it's time to get it back on track.

After talking to her for a long time, she prescribed me 2 new medications, gave me an article to read, and a journal (though blogging is way easier to me that writing).  I feel better about where I'm headed.

I just wanted to write this blog ... to keep it real... to make people aware that you have GOT to take care of you... you have got to take care of your self.  Because if you don't, the people around you will start to suffer.

How can anyone survive living in chaos.  My mind is chaos.  I'm broken but I'm not unfixable.  It's time to get fixed (seriously, I need to get fixed  in more ways than one).... it's time for a mental health professional to help me work through my issues and get my life on track... back on track?  not sure I ever was really on track in the first place... so time to learn how to live life in the TODAY and not living life in the TOMORROW (tomorrow I'll do that, tomorrow I'll go to the doctor, tomorrow will be better).  Nope- today... well I'm not there yet... but I will be, I'm hopeful I will get better and see the sun light.

Thanks for listening and reading and if you struggle with depression, you are not alone....

until next time.

2 comments:

  1. I'm proud of you for getting help Leah. It's not easy..but it can be done. Sometimes it's one breath at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love you! So so glad we got you in! Dr. Watkins is amazing and will listen to you. That's one of the big reasons I love her.

    ReplyDelete

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