I like to sleep.
I don't like to sleep.
I find comfort in my happy place... my bed...
no... really, I escape the craziness of life by going to sleep in my bed.
In my bed I don't have to see the world outside.
In my bed, I can ignore and escape from the house I live in.
The house I live in is not a home... the house I live in has a roof, has beds, has walls, has running water, etc... it has what we need to survive for the most part. Doesn't always have clean sheets, clean floors, tidy bookshelves, magazine looking rooms.... it drives my husband crazy... which drives me crazy... which overwhelms me... and makes me want to sleep... to escape.
I don't want it to be this way but I never know where to start. I always say- I'll get to that tomorrow... but tomorrow never comes. :/ I don't want to be this way. I have just been this way for so long that it is so hard and exhausting trying to do it another way.
I HATE cleaning. And I don't think it's the actual act of cleaning I hate... its getting started that I hate... cause I have no clue where to even start. If I do one thing, something else has to be done before that and so forth and so on... such a terrible cycle.
My sister keeps her house clean and it drives me crazy because it seems to come natural and effortless to her. Maybe it isn't effortless but it sure feels that way. I've been at her house, she's great at multi-tasking. She can cook and clean and get onto children all at the same time and still keep her cool and get stuff done.
Me, I'm a mess. If I'm cleaning, that's all I can do. If I'm cooking, that's all I can do. Apparently I can't figure out how to cook and clean at the same time.
I was over at my sisters house and she was cooking dinner and then cleaned the bathroom and did laundry... and then came back to cooking. Seemed so natural and didn't take a long time.
ugh. just thinking about it makes me want to turn on the TV and lay in my happy place and ignore life because apparently, I suck at being a "housewife."
Yesterday I didn't get out of bed much. Rylan was home but he was so content watching star wars and playing legos... only needed me to pause it a few times so he cold go pee. lol He played great yesterday. So, I didn't plan to stay in bed all day... I knew there were things I NEEDED to do... things that needed to be cleaned... shirts that needed to be ordered... I just couldn't bring myself to get up.
Today, I feel the same way. I don't want to get up, not sure where to even start. Maybe work on the clothes...
maybe I need to be better at making lists because once I wake up, I forget everything that needed to be done until I remember everything that needed to be done at the end of the day.
So, lists it is... tomorrow I'll start making lists. LOL NO! Today I'll make some list and maybe organize my dang life.
Monday- too late, monday's gone
Tuesday- that's today, thought today was wednesday- bleh- laundry, trash day, .... nap...
Wednesday- can't think that far ahead... must stop and watch some netflix and try to remember what to do later.
That's just terrible. I'm so dang LAZY... or depressed... or just tired of dealing with everything. Maybe that's it. I'm just plumb tuckered out and don't want to deal anymore.
Rylan is still asleep... I should enjoy this time to myself and get something done... or take a nap until he wakes up.
Maybe I'll get out of this funk eventually... there is hope. but right now all I feel like doing is going back to bed for a while.
:/ and I KNOW for a fact it isn't medical... it's psychological.. I'm just crazy.
maybe my blog should not be finding my inner skinny girl but yet- Finding my inner crazy girl. Ready to find her and smash her and stop being so dang depressed and lazy and crazy. Time to get back or learn how to be a normal (whatever that is) person who wants to wake up and live life to the fullest. Sounds great.... just makes me sleepy.
Today I will clean one room. Today I will do one load of laundry. Today I will take out the trash. Today I will write a list of more things to do tomorrow. I will menu plan and order groceries or go pick up at least what we need for dinner tonight.
Today I will not let this inner crazy girl ruin my day and cause me to sleep the entire day away.
Until we meet again...